


You and I

by pheonixgt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Jealous Sirius Black, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:38:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pheonixgt/pseuds/pheonixgt
Summary: “I love you.”





	You and I

The first time James says I Love You is the day before they leave for Christmas break in their second year. He’s emotional, pouting almost, and he throws his arms around Sirius in a ginormous hug. He’s never felt something like that before, his cousins only liked to do it in a patronizing way, and Regulus wasn’t big enough to envelop him in the way that James was doing. He melts right into it, butter wherever James is concerned, but stiffens when James proclaims the three words.

“You what?” Sirius asked, unsure. Over James shoulder, Remus is watching them curiously, calculatingly.

“I love you, you wanker.” His best friend pulls away, patting down Sirius’ curls as he does. “Gonna bloody miss you. You’ll write?”

“I’ll try.” He said. He stares at James face, and thinks. Sirius realizes it doesn’t need any thought at all, actually. He loves James too. But he dares not say it. “My mum gets crabby round the Holidays.”

(Sirius doesn’t write, but he has three rolls of open parchment, all blank except for crossed out scribbles.)

*

It’s around the third or fourth time when James realizes his affections aren’t being returned, Sirius can see it. James frowns, tilts his head. He makes a questioning sound, staring off into space. The next day, as they’re hiding behind Old Saint Marie’s statue, James turns to him.

“I talked to Remus and he told me you didn’t know how to say ‘I love you’.”

Sirius looks at him after glancing down the hallway, checking to see if Peter was almost done. “I do.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

James waited, and when Sirius didn’t continue, he went on questioningly, “Why don’t you ever say it back?”

“It’s weird. We’re both boys.” Sirius didn’t look at him as he said it, instead waiting for Peter. He should’ve been done already, but he was usually the slowest out of them all, always afraid of getting into trouble and the punishments that followed. Despite this, he still had faith. Peter never disappointed.

“We’re soulmates, Black.” James said solemnly. “Friend soulmates. My mum says so.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Sirius scoffed. “Friend soulmates?”

“I make you whole. And you make me whole. That’s why we understand each other so well.” James smiled, and Sirius… Sirius was lost in it. “Two halves of one circle.

“I don’t mean it in the queer way.” He continued.

“Oh.” Sirius said, scrunching up his face. “Well, I guess that’s alright then.”

“And…?” James prompted, grinning stupidly.

“I love – “

A loud **BANG** went off, and Peter came running down the corridor, face red with terror.

“Let’s go, let’s go, move!” He said urgently. “The toilets exploded, you idiots!”

(Later in the evening, James looks at him expectantly, and Sirius knows he wasn’t bullshitting that whole friendship-soulmates thing, because he understands it loud and clear. “Love you too,” He sighed. Across from them, Remus smiles.)

*

(He doesn’t think about the first time James had said it. About how Sirius hadn’t known friends could say it to each other, but he’d still loved James anyways. His brain gets muddy and hot when he settles on that for too long.)

*

Saying I love you had opened some sort of gate. Sirius could feel the renewed strength in their relationship, like a tangible touch whenever James glanced at him. It sent shocks throughout his body, going straight to his soul, his heart. It was a warm feeling, and Sirius thought about what James had said a lot.

Soulmates. They were soulmates.

At first it had seemed ridiculous, but now… He realized they were. They were in sync unlike anyone he knew, leaning into each other without thought, finishing each other’s thoughts as they were spoken out loud. And whenever that would happen, they would smile at each other, and as their gazes locked, Sirius felt whole. It was like they were in their own little world, and as much as he liked Remus and Peter, they could never compare to what he shared with James. It seemed that they were never on the radar whenever he and James were together, inseparable.

They were good friends, good people, but they weren’t _James_. He didn’t feel guilt thinking it. He was rarely apologetic with the way he felt, and this was no exception. But he could tell James often felt that guilt, from the way he would suddenly startle and realize they weren’t alone, that Remus and Peter were right there with them, and then he’d shake his head and try to include them in the way Sirius couldn’t find himself to do.

And Remus didn’t seem bothered, he understood it unlike anyone else. Pete got jealous, upset, but Lupin watched them with a twinkle in his eye.

(And Sirius found himself falling deeper and deeper into what he was afraid to name…)

*

One night in third year, James slipped passed the curtains enclosing his bed and shook him quietly awake, sticking a finger up his nose when he tried to twist away.

“The fuck, Potter –“ He mumbled, whipping away. James took the opportunity to slip into the available space and burrowing underneath the covers. “Whatd’ya think you’re doin’?”

“Going to sleep.” He said, shuffling his shoulders. “Pete’s got that damn window open again…”

“You ever heard of warming charms?”

“Nah. Shh.” James hissed. “’Mm tired.”

“You’re an ars – “

“Love you, goodnight.” He mumbled, pressing his face into the pillow. He sighed and relaxed and –

“You’re not asleep, stop fucking snoring like that.” But James _was_ asleep, and there was nothing to do but grumble to himself and shift into a more comfortable position, inching a little closer to James for the heat he emanated. “Love you too, dickhead.”

(And this continued, even the nights in which Peter didn’t sleep with the window cracked open. James would slip into Sirius’s bed and make himself comfortable, and who else would know if Sirius liked to press a little closer, and that James liked to press his face into the back of his neck.)

*

James starts to woo Lily Evans early in their fourth year, but even this new development doesn’t distance him from Sirius. At first, he had been afraid it would. It wasn’t something he let be known, as he watched James smile and banter at Lily, but he _did_ put steel around his heart, just in case.

If there was anything Sirius knew for sure, good things never lasted. There was a part of him that was okay with it. He was used to this. Good things rarely happened to him. But the other part, the bigger part, hated Evans with a fiery passion. He was rarely apologetic with his feelings, yes, but he was scared of the way he felt when he looked at her pretty face. The darkest part of him whispered things he could do to her, ways that would make her unattractive. Ways he could make her disappear.

He was certain she would take away the only thing that mattered to him, perhaps the only thing he’d ever loved. And of course this would happen. _Of course_. He should have been prepared.

Despite his attempts at hiding it, Lupin could see it. If there was someone more observant than Sirius, it would be Remus Lupin.  He saw the way Sirius looked at Lily, the way he tried to put some space between him and James.

“You don’t have to worry.” Remus said one evening, gaze on the fire. Sirius could see it reflected in his eyes, the unnatural glint of amber. “You’re not being replaced.”

“When have you ever known me to worry.” He shot back, smiling sharply when Lupin sent him a look. “And besides, I don’t think it would be possible to replace me.”

“Yeah.” His friend chuckled. “Sure, Sirius.”

A few moments passed, the silence ending with Sirius snapping, “You got something to say, Lupin? Say it! I haven’t got all day.”

“You’re always looking at words to explain everything.” He said quietly, eyebrows furrowing as he looked into the fire. “You never _look_.”

“Should’ve been a damn Ravenclaw, with your stupid fucking riddles.” Sirius grumbled as he stood. He shot Lupin a glare before he moved off, bumping into James on his way out. Of course.

“Heya Black, where are you –“

“Detention.”

“Hey now, wait up.” James jogged to catch up, grabbing his wrist. “What’s the matter?”

“Slughorn’s waiting –“

“When have you ever cared about being late.” He frowned. “And anyways, you haven’t got a detention –“

“Yes I –“

“I’m literally with you every single moment of every day, you don’t –“

“Obviously not, or you’d know I have a detention –“

“Sirius.” James said, sternly. “What’s wrong?”

“Right now? You.” He rolled his eyes and glanced sideways. It was then that he noticed who else had been out here with James, and his blood turned to ice. There she stood, round faced and freckle cheeked, red hair falling down her chest, almost reaching her waist. Sirius felt the sudden urge to vomit. He yanked his wrist out of James grip. “Leave me alone, Potter.”

As he turned and stormed down the hall, James called out sarcastically, “Love you too, arsehole.”

And it felt altogether mocking in the way it never had, so he called back, “Fuck you.”

(Twenty minutes later and James finds him, mopey and gorging on vanilla ice cream and graham crackers, hundreds of little elves bustling around him. James sits across from him, frowning to himself, and they share the ice cream in silence.)

*

“Why are you angry with me?” James asks one night, trying to curl his feet under the blanket. Sirius is facing him, watching his struggle.

“Did Remus say something to you?”

“Was he meant to? Damn it.” He sat up and stretched the blanket over and under his feet. “He didn’t say anything. I’m just not blind, Black.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

James looked at him blandy. “I’m serious right now.”

“Oh really –“

“Sirius. Come on.”

“I’m not angry. Honest.” And he wasn’t. “Just have had a lot on my mind.”

James shuffled closer, their noses barely two inches apart. “Tell me.”

“I don’t want to go home for Christmas.” It was the first thing that came to mind that wasn’t _Are you going to leave me for Evans?_

“Come to mine.” James said instantly.

Sirius laughed quietly. “I don’t _want_ to go, but I _have_ to.”

“You should do what you _want_ , not what you _have_ – “

Sirius pushed forward and kissed him. It was quick, closemouthed, nothing special, but it felt extraordinary. He wanted to linger but was afraid of what James would do if he did. He almost didn’t care, but the sharp exhale of surprise from James made him pull away fast.

“ _That_ is what I want.” He said boldly, staring at him unflinchingly.

James was quiet. He stared back, face startlingly empty, eyes giving away nothing. He just lay there, watching Sirius until he felt a sweat break out on the back of his neck.

“Well, are you going to say something?” He asked, teeth gritted.

“I don’t know what to say.” James said.

“Say something or I’m going to kick you out of my bed. Literally.” When James didn’t open his mouth, Sirius pushed his leg back, getting ready to swing forward.

“Do it again.” James said quietly.

He didn’t need to be asked twice. Sirius pushed closer, brushing his lips over James, eyelids fluttering when James pressed in harder. Sirius let James take the lead, even though the other didn’t seem to know what he was supposed to do. When he’d been younger, ten years old, Bella had taught him in the darkness of her room, guiding him with a hand pressed against the back of his neck. It had been strange back then, but now it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

His mouth opened easily under James, lips curling when he felt a tongue press against his own. A hand found its way into his hair, fingers cradling close to his skull, pulling him closer, deeper. He made a noise that had James pulling away, eyes heated.

Sirius lay there, staring up at him Merlin knows how, lips lax and wet, a hand still entangled in his hair.

“I love you.” James muttered, pressing his mouth to his neck.

(They spent a good portion of the night wrapped around each other, only kissing, only breathing in each other’s air. Nothing else was said.)

*

(After that, any and all flirting had stopped between Evans and James. His crush seemed to disappear overnight, and everything became strangely different. Despite them never mentioning it, never talking about it, there was an intimacy that had never been there before – charging the air between them whenever they looked at one another for too long, or anytime they sat glued side to side.

The late-night kisses continued, and the days went on the way they had been since they met. Inseparable and comfortable, impossibly closer than they had already been. After that, it was rare, if ever, that they were seen without the other.)

*

“Sirius. Hello.” Someone tapped his shoulder, and he turned to face a pretty girl with an angular face and short black hair, dimples on full display. “Uh. I wanted to ask you something.”

He nodded at her to continue, glancing at James when he felt a hand on his thigh. “Go on.”

“I was wondering if you could help me with the Astrology coursework – I haven’t been doing so well and…”

“My brother knows just as much as I do, if not more.” Sirius said, glancing at her tie with raised eyebrows. “I’m sure he could help you.”

“Yes, but he’s not as handsome, is he?”

He hadn’t noticed until now how silent their side of the table had gotten. His friends were watching, eyes going back and forth between the girl and him, and a bit down from Remus, Sirius could see Evans and a couple of her friends trying to hide that they were listening.

Sirius laughed. “No. But I’m sure if you squint he will be.”

Her hand curled over his shoulder, fingers grazing his collarbone. She looked at him suggestively. “So you don’t want to help me?”

“He already helps _me,_ his hands are full.” James interjected, eyeing Sirius before settling on her.

After a moment she slowly took her hand back, a sense of realization dawning on her. “I hadn’t known you two…”

“Yep.” James said, looking back to his food, then to her expectantly. “Now…”

“Right…” She backed up a little. “I’ll just ask Regulus.”

“You do that.” Sirius agreed.

A few seats down Evans hid a smile behind her hand, sharing a knowing glance with Marlene. Remus looked impressed.

“I’m sure everyone’ll know by Dinner.” He said. “If they hadn’t already. Don’t know what rock that girl was hiding under.”

James slipped an arm around Sirius’ shoulders, his hand catching a strand of hair. “A really big one.”

“Might as well plant one on me Potter.” Sirius said with an air of finality. “I have to get going. I was supposed to meet Filch for morning detention like.. an hour ago.”

“Oh shit, me too.” Pete frowned, eyes wide. He started chugging his goblet of pumpkin juice with urgency, it trailing from the corners of his mouth.

James grabbed his chin and gave him a sweet kiss, followed by one on the corner of his mouth. Their cheeks briefly met as Sirius pressed his face closer, and then they were pulling away.

“Finally.” Lily sputtered, face red. Both her and her friends were watching with open mouths and pink cheeks, and Sirius laughed to himself.

“Love you.” He said, running a hand over the back of James head as he passed.

“Love you too.” James called, mouth already full of toast. “See you later. Remember, don’t forget -”

“I know I know. We got a bathroom to blow up.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know whatchu think, even if ya hate it :)))))))))) happy thanksgiving, all


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